I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
