i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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