Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
