The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
