New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Randomize
