Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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