we have pet lesbian snakes
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize