considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
