hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize