I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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