dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
