The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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