I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
