My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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