I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
