Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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