; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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