I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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