last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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