If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
