I hate your face
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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