I like my sex mixed with concussions.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
