The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
