i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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