my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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