dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
