I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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