Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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