just come out here and I will go home with you...
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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