So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
