She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
