New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
