Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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