It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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