i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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