I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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