i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Randomize
