True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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