I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
