Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
