hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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