chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
