I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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