you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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