I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
