I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
