I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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