he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
