I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
