What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
