my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
