In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
