Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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