I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
