...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
