how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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