So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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