I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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