I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
