when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
