I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
