Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
