I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Randomize
