idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
