I got chris browned last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
