Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
