Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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