I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
